I’m trying to sleep. Sleep rarely comes easy to me. As soon as I shut my eyes my brain starts a program called “the most embarrassing things you’ve ever done.exe”. It’s a shitty program, one that I have no real control over. To combat it, I usually sleep with a tv or an audiobook on – this time it was Conan O’Brien’s show with Seth Rogen as a guest. I turn around in my bed, some bad thing I did ten years ago to a girl who’s name I’ve long forgotten comes to my mind.
Fuck, stop it
I get up to blow my nose – the allergy season is on. My bed is covered in used up paper towels. I also moisturize my feet with mom’s “strawberry deluxe” cremé. I have no explanation for this – it’s just something that I do. Moisturizing one’s feet before bed in my mind is essential and people who don’t do it are savages. This time it comes with a plus. Now my bed has this nice rosy smell.
Lovely, now sleep. You gotta wake up early tomorrow. Just think happy thoughts and focus on the TV show for a bit.
“You know this dude is in incredible shape, right?”, Seth goes on the show.
“Sure, I have seen some photos of him” Conan replies while the audience laughs.
“No, you don’t understand. His ABS actually form an arrow pointing straight to his dick” Seth says.
That can’t be true, can it?
The interview went on. In it Seth was making sure that “The arrow is absolutely a real thing”. Now I had a debate with myself:
– It can’t be true. Whatever you do – do not move from this position. You’re just about to fall asleep
– But what if it is true?
– It’s not, just stay put
– I NEED TO KNOW IF IT’S TRUE WE OBVIOUSLY NEED ABS POINTING TO OUR DICK AS WELL
– Oh for fucks sake. Alright
I get up. Take my laptop and with mixed feelings of shame and unbearable curiosity type: “Zac Efron shirtless” and start quickly scanning through Zac’s photos.
I probably have to delete my browser history again
But right as the thought crosses my mind I catch a photo where Zac’s ABS look really arrowy and as fast as it came – the thought slips through my mind. After a thorough five to ten-minute browsing I’ve come to a conclusion: Zac has a nice set of ABS but in no way or form are they shaped like an arrow that points to his dick. Exhausted, I put the Conan back on. Close my eyes and fall asleep.
I wake up to the vibrations of my phone. Pampo is calling:
“Where the fuck are you?”
“What, umm. I just woke up”
“Well, the ferry is leaving in 45 minutes, if you want to make it, you gotta be here in fifteen.”
“Shit shit shit, alright I’m coming”
I jump out of my bed, grab my readily packed backpack and start running. There are some games in Tallinn that I can’t afford to miss, also getting drunk with Pampo on the ferry is always going to be one of the highlights of these trips and I don’t want to miss it either.
After an intense 2km sprint I make it to the ferry, give high five to Pampo, lose a game of rock paper scissors for the first beers and I’m waiting on the line as my phone vibrates.
It’s a message from my brother, I open it:
“Hey, just wanted to ask you why next to your bed is 1: a bunch of used up tissues 2: Mom’s strawberry lotion and 3: a laptop with ´Zac Efron shirtless` googled on it?
Come to think of it …Never mind. Still love you bro.”
FUCK FUCK FUCK
I’m always just one step away from war with my brother and this is like giving Nazis a nuke in the middle of WW2. It may very well have life alternating consequences. Panicked, I grab my phone and call my brother to explain the situation. He’s happy about the incident but seems surprisingly understanding. The phone calls ends with:
“So you’re not going to tell anyone?” I ask.
“No, of course not. We’re brothers. Nothing is more sacred than that” he replies.
“Alright great, see you at the party on Sunday” I end the conversation.
Somewhat relieved that my brother had swore not to tell anyone about my Zac incident, I buy a couple of beers for me and Pampo and discuss it. Then we buy a couple more. And a couple more. I believe around the round five I’m forgetting the whole thing and getting into the zone for one happy poker-holiday.
Couple of days later, severely hungover and generally afraid of the world I get back to Helsinki, there’s a family party I had promised to attend. Everyone is supposed to be there – I heard that even some of my cousins from France had arrived.
I get to my Mom’s door. The sounds of the party can be clearly heard through the door. I open the door.
“Hey all” I shout from the corridor.
The room goes silent.
I walk into our living room. Everyone is quiet and staring at me. My brother is grinning like a madman.
Fuck, what do I say? What’s going on?
My Parisian aunt gives a gentle push to my mom with an elbow, smiles and says:
“Well, you gotta give it to him. Zac is quite cute”.
Thank you for your silence, brother.